Monday, February 14, 2005

.....weddings and guilt....

Last Saturday’s schedule to host a wedding didn't push through. I didn't go to the wedding. It was unfair, I know. Perhaps, they expected me to be there. Or maybe they didn’t care at all. Well it pushed through even without my presence, and I am sure about.

A couple of years ago, a younger friend asked to help her out with her wedding planning. Since her older sisters were not here in the country, the ate in me extended my best help to her for free. From planning and research for her gown, invitation, give-aways, and make up, I saw her through. I even transported the flowers needed on her wedding from Manila to their province in the wee hour of night. It was all worth. I saw how happy she was. And many were stunned with her wedding. I was glad everything turned out right.

I was supposed to have my own wedding four years ago. I dreamt of a perfect wedding for me. But nothing materialized. I got scared; not because of the responsibilities that go with it afterwards. But I was scared to spend the rest of my life with that person. He scared me away. He had so many plans for us. He decided already where we would be staying, what we would do with our money, how many children we will have. It was all his decisions. He never cared to consult me. He loved me so much that he scared me away. During those times, I was not sure if I really love him. I got confused and frightened at the same time.

I backed out. I told him I could not marry him. I know no apologies or explanations can ease the pain and humiliation I caused him. I had to be honest with him and with myself. My life was at stake then. My parents pitied me so much that they had to protect me. I hid myself away from that guy. It came to the point where I had to tell him I married another guy so he would stop pestering me.

Those were the years. Things are a lot different now. That guy is already married. A year after I backed out from his wedding plans, he called my mother to let me know that he married a girl from his place. I was relieved. The guilty me was relieved to know that he is now happy and at peace; and I freed myself from guilt of leaving him and running away fromhis promises.

Now I am no longer scared to spend the rest of my life with this very special person. But who knows if the universe will really conspire with us. I am only hoping for the best but the pragmatic me will be satisfied with what I have on hand. With God's guidance, in His time, this promise ring I wear might be doubled with an engagement ring or an eternity ring soon.... but only Him could tell....

Currently reading the five people you meet in heaven

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